This is easy I tell myself. I can do this…I need to do this.
Confidence emanates from my every pore. My stride is purposeful; I’m driven on by my acceptance, confident that my battle will soon be over. The thought of my new life ahead excites me. I won’t be beaten again.
Not everyone shares my enthusiasm.
‘You’ve tried before.’
‘You’re not strong enough.’
Today I won’t let the negativity of others stop me from achieving my goal. Fuck them! I know better.
I head into town, shaking my head dispassionately at the number of weak people I observe consumed by their addiction, oblivious to how stupid they look, uncaring towards the damage they are inflicting onto their already weekend bodies.
I needed this walk. I needed to see what I’d become, and what I needed to leave behind.
This is easy I tell myself. I can do this…I need to do this.
Day 2
I can do this. I want to do this.
I feel good today. I’ve had to change my routine but I’m sure I can manage. I already feel fresher…even healthier, which is an unexpected bonus.
First meeting of the day does not go well for me. My worked load has increased and I can feel my stress levels rising.
Why now?
Why when I’ve just started out on this journey?
I’m starting to feel anxious and irritable. I consume myself with work hoping to block out the darkness inside of my head.
Doubts start creeping in. Maybe the time isn’t right. What if the others are correct and I am weak, destined to always be a slave to my addiction.
I feel an emptiness burning away inside.
My phone rings, other problems to attend to. I’m snappy and end the call quickly.
I didn’t feel like this the other day. I was happy then.
I’m starting to analyse my doubts. What if they were right I think to myself?
The feeling of euphoria from the previous day is long forgotten. The doubt has now consumed my soul, my every thought.
I open the draw of my desk where I know my emergency hit is sitting awaiting my return.
Feeling like a weight has been removed from my shoulders, I reach into the draw, decision made.
I want this…they do not own me…it’s my life…my choice…I can stop smoking whenever I want…Just not today.
Hope you enjoyed my short story which I wrote a few months ago. Sadly based on my last battle.
Would appreciate any feedback.
Enjoy your week everyone.
Craig x
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This week has been a slow one for me with regards to progressing A Step into Darkness. I’ve mainly been concentrating on some last minute research due to a plot change in the middle of my story that presented itself from nowhere and seemed to good of an opportunity to miss (all hush hush at the minute).
The main reason that I have been unable to write is that I am getting ready for the arrival of two of my closest friends who are flying in on Friday morning to visit me in Baku and watch the F1 Grand Prix which is now in its third year of running here.
As I’ve been present at them all, and fingers crossed I will be here to attend many others in the future I thought I would share my experiences from this fantastic and highly anticipated event.
The F1 in Baku is set in the best parts of the city. It heads along the magnificent Boulevard and then goes off into the narrow cobbled streets of the Old City.
The streets are lined with stands and the whole length of the Boulevard is set up for the fans with everything ranging from merchandise shops (ripping everyone off), bean bags for lounging in the sun, DJ’s blasting out tunes, various food and drinks outlets and for me the best thing of all…the Johnnie Walker Cocktail Bar.
To say the atmosphere is electric is an understatement. Locals, expat workers and tourists from all over the globe convey together in full party mode.
I had a drive down the track on Sunday and a walk along the Boulevard and everything is progressing well and the place looks great.
The best thing for me about the F1 is every year after the racing finishes there is a end of day concert and so far some pretty cool Artists have played here. These have been open air concerts but this year the event has been moved from June to April and as the weather is somewhat unpredictable here just now the concert venue has been moved to the Crystal Hall which is fairly new having been originally built for the Eurovision Song Concert. I’m as yet undecided if this venue will work.
The price of the F1 tickets for me as an Expat are so cheap. I don’t know how it fairs against other circuits around the world but a 4 day ticket cost me 250 Manats which is just under 100 GBP! The cost of this ticket covers a Pit Lane walk on the Thursday, Friday Practice Sessions, Saturday F2 racing and F1 Qualifying Round, Sunday main Race AND access to all 3 concerts.
Id like to finish of this short blog by giving my expectations of this year’s Artists and my reviews of the Artists from the last 2 years . (I have add to edit this section twice to remove all traces of swearing). 2018 Artists
Liked his music years ago. Sadly though he really irritated me at the same time. God only knows how I will react on Friday night.
I couldn’t remember her at all (Shocking guys I know). After looking at her on YouTube last night I don’t really care what she signs like. Didn’t realise she had had so many hits. So should be good.
Have recently heard her songs in bars out here but never knew her name. After an education from my Daughter I am now familiar with her music and think she will go down well here. 2017Artists
Tarkan – Turkish singer. Too cheesy for my liking but the locals loved him so fair play.
Nicole scherzinger – couldn’t make out a word she said but she redeemed herself later.
The Black Eyed Peas – Absolultly rocking. Had the whole crowd wild. Will never forget the memory of having my 73 year old mother bopping away at my side singing along happy as Larry. Nicole Scherzinger joined them for the missing Fergie parts and linked with them brilliantly. One cool night.
Mariah Carey – worst artist I have ever seen. Total diva. Couldn’t sing a tune and was like mutton dressed as lamb. 2016 Artists
Chris Brown – Made everyone wait for over an hour to turn up. Then came on stage and did nothing but grab his bits and refer to everyone as motherFu**er and Bitch. Fair to say he didn’t go down too well with the locals.
Enrique Iglesias – Im going to be honest. I did not want to watch him. Everyman hates men who are more good looking than themselves. I can’t tell you what my dad used to call him. Went along at the last minute and you know what…he was really really good and a genuine nice guy. Everyone loved him and his music
Pharrell Williams – closed the weekend out and was my favourite for that year. Had everyone dancing. He was lively on stage and when he brought some local children on stage for one of his songs it was emotional.
Hope you have all enjoyed my review and rest assured I will be back on track with the final run in for my book very soon.
Take Care All
Craig x
craigwrightson@laughcryandwrite.com
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Stepping out from the elevator, straight into my street, I light my first cigarette of the day, drawing the warmth of the smoke deep into my lungs, stirring my body into life. At 05.50am it will be another few hours before my brain attempts to wake up and function normally.
Stepping off the curb onto the road, I nearly go over on my ankle, correcting myself at the last minute. I remind myself that the curbs here are all different sizes; some you can lightly step off, some are so high, you need a parachute to control your decent.
Walking to my pick up point, I take in my surroundings, Giant apartment blocks surround both sides of the street, entrapping the community below, blocking out sunlight but allowing the relentless wind to pass through.
Everything I see is drab, dead or dying. No colour or life is permitted to prosper in this street.
My lift is waiting for me. Jumping into the back I greet my fellow passengers and co-workers good morning. Today I’m lucky, they return the greeting. Normally it is just acknowledged with a nod of the head. After nearly 10 weeks of the same routine I can hardly blame them.
Reaching to my side for my seat belt, I panic, it’s not there. Today, the car supplied has had them removed. “Who needs seat belts” the driver says” I’m number one driver”. I doubt this, for Christ sake you can buy a licence here for less than a hundred bucks.
Just to relax me even more, my driver leans forward and kisses the religious beads that hang from his rear view mirror.
Setting off at a hundred miles an hour, we immediately bounce over three pot holes, which jar every bone in my body.
Nearing the turn at the top of a hill, the driver flings the steering wheel to the left as a car exits a side street, narrowly missing us with no lights on and proceeds to reverse down the road. A corrupt police officer parked opposite watches on in ignorance.
Once the car hits the highway I allow myself to relax a little, cars overtaking inside and outside, driving with no lights, and the constant beeping of horns tends to keep you a tad nervous.
Arriving at our destination, I exit the car, only another 70 days to go. Welcome to my world.
Hope you enjoyed my short story which I wrote late last year. Will share others with you also.
Would appreciate any feedback.
Enjoy your week everyone.
Craig x
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